Joel Osteen’s New Bible

Below, I am reproducing, a ‘news article’ that recently came to my attention. I received this article, via higher spiritual channels and advanced holy giftedness. Please read this ‘news article’ with your tongue in your cheek.

New Bible by Joel Osteen Promises More Rewarding Read of Holy Writ

Luke 18:9-14 records Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. However, a new, more clever and relevant version of the Bible which Joel Osteen is rumored to already be preaching from, re-tells this parable for us in a unique and refreshing way.

Osteen’s new Bible, is called the T.R.A.P Bible (T.R.A.P. stands for Total Rewards American Paraphrase) This new version of the scriptures appears to be ‘self-published’ and promises to be un-like any version that has preceded it.

Below we’ve reproduced Luke 18:9-14 from Osteen’s New Bible in order to show you how 'new' and 'original' this Bible truly is:

Luke 18:9 And Jesus also told this parable to certain ones who thought poorly of themselves and showed contempt to themselves by refusing to find the 'champion within'. 10 Two men went into the temple to pray one was a successful pastor of a mega-church, the other was an un-victorious sinner who worked for the IRS. 11 The successful pastor stood and prayed about himself and used positive self-talk to affirm the victories of his life, ‘I thank you God that I am so wonderful, that I am more than a conqueror, that I am not burdened with negative thoughts, that I have a number one best-selling book 12 and that unlike that IRS agent over there, I am a victor instead of a victim and that my bank account is filled to overflowing.

13 But the IRS agent, standing some distance away dwelled on negative thoughts of guilt and shame. He wouldn’t embrace the ‘champion within’ but instead could only look at the ground and feel bad for himself. He prayed ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

14 Jesus then proclaimed, "I tell you that God would not listen to that IRS Agent because he refused to live in victory. For everyone who humbles himself will be rejected and everyone who exalts himself will be exalted even higher."

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Comments

[Steve]

You must include the favorite Bible verse of many American Christians: "God helps those who help themselves".

[james]

I couldn't find anything to verify these claims about this new bible. could you post a link?

[Chris Rosebrough]

James,

This story is posted under "Satire". As the opening paragraph states, please read it with your tongue in cheek.

[Dave]

Now let's see...Joel Osteen's church. That's the one in Laodicea, right? Revelation 3:14-19?

[Ben W]

This will be just one more souvenir you can buy while visiting Six Flags over Jesus. People like this make Christians look bad.

[Karen]

I cannot find this Bible you speak of. Can you tell me where I can purchase one?

[james frost]

This is funny. I like it! Another great verse is Luke's account of Jesus calling the first disciples. The Bible reads the Simon-Peter fell on his knees and confessed he was a sinner before Jesus. This is the reaction of a repentent heart. Osteen's Romans 3:23 reads, "For we all are champions and excell in the glory of God."