Rick Warren, Chairman of the Board, for Mega-Church Corp in an email sent to the media said, “This was a tough decision to have to make. Jesus has been the head of our organization since its inception. But, Jesus’ insistence on sound doctrine and a core message that conjures up visions of sin, hell, God’s wrath and Jesus’ scandalous bloody death on the cross between two common thieves just isn’t relevant anymore.” Said Warren, “Despite our insistence at previous board meetings that Jesus get his head out of the First Century and update His messaging to meet the felt needs of today’s religious seekers, Jesus stubbornly refused to take our council and sage business advice. Ultimately, we had to think about the future of our organization and it was clear that we just wouldn’t meet our growth targets if we continued to use a 2000 year old message.”
Bill Hybels, Senior Member of the Board of Directors for Mega-Church Corp, commenting on Jesus’ forced resignation said, “This decision was long overdue. Truth be told, we don’t need Jesus to grow Mega Church Corp. Now that Jesus is no longer at the helm we expect our growth to sky rocket.
Joel Osteen, Junior Board Member for Mega-Church Corp, sounded relieved. Said Osteen, “With Jesus out of the way, we can finally give religious consumers exactly what they want to hear.”
Wall Street received the news of Jesus’ forced resignation favorably, and Mega Church Corp’s stock price shot up nearly $7 a share ($6.66) in late afternoon trading.